I am still at the office. It’s not completely unusual, but typically around this time if I’m still here, I am wrapping up my day or making last minute rounds to different buildings that I need to put one or two piddly things in for class.
But right now, I have done all of that, I have packed most of my things in the car to leave but I am still here on this gloomy, cold, windy day.
I’m not in a bad mood, per se, but I’m certainly not in a good one. If you read my last post, Stressin’, then you’d see I’m still recuperating from a strenuous weekend. I suppose the stressin’ mixed with gloomy weather makes for a lethargic start to the week. My day wasn’t completely shot even though I feel unproductive and came in late to boot.
One thing that has been on my back burner, that I keep forgetting, is that I am on my period. I know, it sounds stupid and absurd to forget about this awful occasion, but I have forgotten about it a lot! Because of health problems, namely PCOS, I have not had a period without the help of medication for years. I’m talking like, probably 10 years. I don’t know what I’m doing differently, other than this job that I really love. It started around January, then I realized in February I could actually track the bugger! Alas, it is a blessing that my body may start to kick into gear enough to (hopefully! prayerfully!) have a baby, but simultaneously I hate ALL THE THINGS. I’d forgotten!
I’d forgotten how it feels to be groggy, lethargic and in occasional bloating-esque pain. I’d forgotten about how much money I actually have to spend on tampons and chocolate. Ugh. Coffee and chocolate is all I have been craving for the past 3 days.
All this to say, I did nothing as productive as last week or yesterday for work, but I did show up. And I did begin to set up the classrooms (one of my favorite parts of youth ministry!) even though I could have done it much quicker and probably all tomorrow before classes started. I even wanted to go to a couple of students’ soccer game, but decided not stress over getting there on time. I just learned it was canceled, so I even have the night off to rest a little more.
If I’m just uncomfortably and painfully going through my period, or I’m in the darkest pit of depression, sometimes all I can do is just show up– and that’s ok. It’s the same with God and life in general. I don’t have to have all my crap together. I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok sometimes. I can have a fall-apart day where all I do is binge watch Netflix and pet my cat. I don’t have to get all of my work done in one day, or sometimes one week. I don’t have to give eloquent prayers, have a 3 point homily prepared and a bangin’ worship service lined up for the youth either. Sometimes, a lot of times, God just wants us to be. It’s nice to know that on rainy days.
Luke 10:38-42 NLT
As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”
But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”