Uprooted

*Sips out of my normal travel mug, with my normal coffee blend and normal creamer.*

I don’t like change. I really suck at it. For being a youth and children’s minister and longtime daycare teacher, I sure seem like I’m ok with it, but honestly I’m not.

I guess I don’t mind face-paced work settings, like a classroom, or dealing with big events and people and volunteers and people and stress…

I kinda like some of that. Sometimes I think I enjoy the “busyness” because it makes me feel like I’m a part of something bigger than me, like I’m important. I can come to work and feel important when otherwise I wouldn’t feel needed.

My hubby is in and out of school, finishing up a master’s program. We don’t have kids, which is ok some days and then other days it’s like ugh why? So I don’t really know what exactly “fills the gap” in my life, when at this point in other married women’s lives they’d be knee deep in a career or have children to keep up with. I don’t really have either.

Yes, I love my job. But I also have this sneaky suspicion that I won’t be at this for forever. We’re definitely considering moving closer to his school so that he can graduate. But that means uprooting from this quaint little job I’ve had for barely a year. This is the first time I’ve gotten paid to do clergy work. I don’t want to uproot and leave, but I’m going to have to eventually.

I hate that feeling. That feeling that change is going to happen. Soon. I can either jump in head first and move sooner. Or I can drag it out and move when he graduates. Either way, sooner or near-future-later, change is coming.

That means I have to uproot. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, hubby hasn’t been apart of this community, this church, as much as I have because he spends half his time at work or at school. A HUGE part of the reason to go ahead and get it all over with.

But! At the same time, I love my job. I love the kids I work with, and even the parents. I love that I’ve developed some friends here, yes, actual friends that I see outside of church! It’s been a long time since I’ve had that connection. Since college, really, 5 years ago.

This is the hard part: he doesn’t care either way. He knows that I love it in this community and that I’ve started to put down roots. But he also would like to see me more often than he does now. Which, for a little while, was awful. I saw him literally for 1 1/2 days in 2 weeks when he had school, work at night and conferences to present at. It was crazy pants!

Yes, we’ve been praying about this choice, and I’ve been putting feelers out to see if moving is even a possibility at this juncture but… we’re not hearing much from the Big Man Upstairs. God doesn’t seem to be giving us a flashing neon sign that says “Do This!” Which sucks. Because I like those kinds of definitive signs, definitive plans, definitive life…

Have I mentioned that I hate change? That God seems to have wired me to dig my heels in or rush ahead? I’m either all in or all out and this whole limbo stuff is tough cookies on my brain and emotional well being. It’s hard trying to lead others when I feel like I can’t even lead myself. I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other, even when I don’t see but 2 steps in front of me. I guess that’s why it’s said that God is a “lamp” to our feet — not to the whole 3 miles in front of me!

Change can be a tiresome ol’ bat, but inevitably it has to come, or we won’t change. I just hope we’ll know what to do when we get to where we’re supposed to be!

Happy drinking, ya’ll. Cheers!

Psalm 119:105-112

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path.
I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again:
    I will obey your righteous regulations.
I have suffered much, O Lord;
    restore my life again as you promised.
Lord, accept my offering of praise,
    and teach me your regulations.
My life constantly hangs in the balance,
    but I will not stop obeying your instructions.
The wicked have set their traps for me,
    but I will not turn from your commandments.
Your laws are my treasure;
    they are my heart’s delight.
I am determined to keep your decrees
    to the very end.

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